Project Police Assault ABQ/KAFB

Pete "Paddles" Moore

Originally published November 1995

Note: The following is a report by Pete "Paddles " Moore on his family trip to the Albuquerque Balloon Festival and Kirtland AFB, where he linked up with former chapter President Bob Waldmiller, or "CAP'N BOB ". Enjoy. -ed

Report 101695

Orders to transport:

Qty 1 ea type description EAA CHAP 1000 Project Police (Flight crew (enlisted))
Qty 1 ea type description Co-Pilot
Qty 1 ea type description Navigator / bombardier
Qty 1 ea type description Electronic Warfare Officer
Qty 2 ea type description tandem tactical ground support unit (GSU)

0200 LOCAL/1100 ZULU departed TSP (Tehachapi) enroute for ABQ IFR. Note: did not realize that it was still night at 1100 ZULU. Attempted to contact Maj. Norm to see if any support equipment requires transport. No answer. HMMMMM.....

0700/1600Z rising sun makes it hard to see horizon. Reminder to next time go great circle route to west or install modern backlighted instruments in GSU.

1800/0800Z arrive ABQ. Observe there seems to be a great massing of civilians. Cannot get a place to stay, end up in a KOA campground next to highway construction project. Runway at ABQ would be quieter.

0400/ I don't really care what time it is ZULU. Wake up due to humongous noises generated by some obviously crazy person hauling around this really big basket on a silly little trailer. Crew decides to investigate. Follow basket to freeway where strange civilians have all traffic lanes blocked for several miles in both directions. Aborted mission when EWO discovers several glowing round UFOs at 10 o'clock high. EWO has visuals on several hundred more UFOs, including one that looks like a flying pig. UFOs make loud sporadic hissing sound, and appear to be beaming up the obviously crazy person mentioned previously (with basket). Crew decides to BUG OUT (Viet Nam era connotation). Reconnoiter at GSU, which is now cleverly disguised as civilian camping unit.

1030 Recover from O'dark early episode. Make plans for next assault.

1500 Uncover data indicating massive landing by UFO's in nearby field. Crew investigates, along with two civilians. Arrive at site, massive civilian attendance.

1830 UFOs arrive, start to glow brightly, civilians go berserk. Crew once again Bugs Out. Return to GSU. Civilians appear to fire upon UFOs, we see various fireballs and evidence of explosions, loud noises, and sparks. UFOs do not return fire.

1430 Make assault on front gate of KAFB. Follow road signs, end up at Phillips Lab. Make note to fire Navigator. Arrive Main gate Kirtland, Sentry does not allow ingress. Sentry also has loaded weapon ready for immediate use. Contact three stripe individual who claims to be airman, not sgt. (something not quite right here) for current location of CAP'N BOB. Airman/SGT. is unaware of the location of the infamous CAP'N BOB, uses base locator. CAP'N BOB is found in some sort of Kirtland INN (?) instead of being on duty like proper airman. Assault team cannot verify status of CAP'N BOB project, cannot visit project, cannot even find domicile of CAP'N BOB. Very suspicious. CAP'N BOB has apparently abandoned project in violation of EAACHAP 1000 reg 221089 Sect 8 par. "H". CAP'N BOB tries vain attempt at bribery of assault crew by promising mass quantities of food and libation.

1630 CAP'N BOB sneaks up on rear flank of bivouac encampment with tokens of sustenance: in the form of fat pretzels and Cheetos, which are promptly and immediately consumed along with some sort of canned material called CUTTER'S (looks and acts like STERNO). CAP'N BOB strikes alliance with crazed hordes of local bikers encamped next door and assorted, purported foreign spies in order to stave off enforcement of chapter rules. Directions are given to the navigator regarding the finest of local eating establishments, and the crew departs with CAP'N BOB in trail.

1715 Navigator admits we are hopelessly lost and adrift in the galaxy. Gotta do something about this. Make note: FIRE NAVIGATOR!!!!!! Quick consultation with CAP'N BOB and circuitous routing and we arrive at restaurant. Assault CREW are greeted by gun toting guard. This doesn't look good. Inside is a prediction that the red Chili is HOT and that the green Chili is HOT!!!!. Looking worse all the time. The assault crew is served a red colored molten material that might be some sort of truth serum with a very hostile attitude. CAP'N BOB wolfs some of this vile concoction down and seriously attempts to portray its comestibility while breaking out in a sweat and turning all sorts of interesting shades of red.

0900 several days later, after a side trip to the infirmary, we leave ABQ and head north. Navigator immediately informs me "We are LOST'. AAAARRRRRGGGHHH!! Take maps away from navigator and relieve navigator of command. Eventually return to TSP.

Summary:

CAP'N BOB appears to be in an apparent state of self denial imposed by the immediate and somewhat lasting effects of his current environment. The natives seem obsessed with a war about some freeway bridge that apparently goes nowhere, they can't drive in a rational California style, and have this innate fondness for things that quickly melt your innards. There are NEVER any clouds to cut up with a laser beam. It is windy and hot or cold, usually all at the same time. THERE AREN'T ANY TREES!!!!

Recommendation:

Immediate and summary TDY to Rosamond airplane patch for CAP'N BOB.

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